His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Randomize
