It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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