I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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