Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
