Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
