dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
