A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
