Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
