Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
