So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
