I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
