I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
