Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize