Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
