i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
