Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
