So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
