How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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