and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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