textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
