The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
