You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
