I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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