you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
