he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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