just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
