Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
