I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
