Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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