So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
