The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
