Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
