were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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