This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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