Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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