I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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