Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
