I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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