there's paper in my vomit.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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