Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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