I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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