took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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