Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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