To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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