i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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