You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize