Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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