My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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