2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
