Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
