I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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