Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
