wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
