in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
