i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
