hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
