I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
