barbara walters just said penis...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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