you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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