The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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