I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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