I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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